Well, you know what they say — when one door closes, another one opens. I’m not much of a movie buff, but right now I feel like Forrest Gump, sitting alone after Jenny, his lover, takes off. The clock in the kitchen counts off the seconds, and its thunder feeds my sense of hunger and impatience. It’s not just the heartbreak, it’s the uncertainty.
I want change, but I’m too afraid to have it. The power’s all mine, but I wish it wasn’t.
And before I start to sound like the hapless narrator from The Wonder Years, allow me to explain: I’m running out of time!
Now, I’m about as fickle as your five-day forecast, but when I sit down and reflect on the life that I’ve lived, I feel mostly incomplete. I know things can’t be perfect, and they never will, but when was the last time I really wanted something, and I made it happen?
For this reason, I’m setting a date. I don’t know what it is, but let’s just say it’s ten years from now. October 2nd, 2029. That’s the date I’m giving myself to get the heck out of here. Three thousand, six hundred, and fifty-three days left. That’s a lot, right? I should be able to get my shit together before then.
And no, I’m not imprisoned or anything, but this state I’m from is basically the same thing.
Yes, I dream free of the West. I want to wake up to the mountains, and the crickets that decorate the dawn.
Look, I get it. I’m lucky. I’m so lucky. It’s raining out, and I’m not wet. It’s cold out, but I’m not cold. I’m not hungry. I have a toilet, and when I flush it, I don’t have to worry about where it all goes afterwards. I have a good life. But I’m missing something.
I used to write a lot, but I’ve taken a long break. That break is now over. I’ll get situated here — get a weekly schedule/routine down. I want to start writing my book before the end of the year. We’ll see where it all goes. It’s crazy. Those are two phrases I say all too often.
Today, one door closed. I haven’t found that other open door yet — I’m still stuck in the hallway. All I see are stairways to unknown places, and it’s all so crazy. We’ll see where it all goes.